July 19, 2009
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Amicitia
It’s Sunday and that means time to write. I had thought of drafting this post earlier, but that did not happen. I had thought of setting not only a day but also a time of that day as my deadline– I was thinking of noon Eastern time, which would be 10 a.m. my time. But until I get in the swing of this deal, I’d best be content with having a 24-hour window once a week. Andy mentioned me in his post this week and so now the pressure is on. I mean that in a good way– pressure makes diamonds.
Our kids were gone for most of this week, from Sunday afternoon to Saturday afternoon. The three younger ones were attending day camp at their grandmother’s church. The teenager was babysitting our former neighbor’s daughters. So I had quite a bit of time at home alone, during which I should have accomplished a lot. A lot. Such was not reality, and I’m disappointed to say that I’m not surprised. Then Wednesday afternoon my wife’s best friend, Eric, arrived for a visit and was here until Saturday afternoon. We had a lot of fun. (Photos in photoblog, go look). It was great because I actually had a guy to hang out with for three evenings. Since I moved to Colorado (today, July 19, was the day I left, and Tuesday, the 21st, will mark exactly seven years since the day I arrived) I haven’t had a “bud” like that and it’s a part of my life I’ve been missing. I really don’t know how one goes about making new friends when you’re married with children. Sure, I have friends at work who I occasionally socialize with with a gathering at one’s house or at the bar on Friday afternoons (or playing basketball on Friday afternoons), but folks who come over, hang out, drink, play video games or watch funny movies– I don’t know any here and now.
Friendship is a funny thing to me. In this day and age of online social networks we toss around the word ever so lightly, as in “He’s my friend on Facebook,” etc.; some even make it a verb, as in in “I friended her on Myspace.” Certainly Xanga falls into the same category. There are always people who will belittle and/or stigmatize social interactions that exist on a mostly or totally online basis, as if they don’t really count or matter. They will say that the social Web is a complete fantasy world, that you don’t really know anyone you talk to within it, that you can’t know someone if you haven’t physically seen or heard them (I guess blind and deaf people are friendless by default under such a definition). Such remarks always rile me. I have spent probably too much time socializing online in the past 13 years, and at times it was, indeed, because I was lacking for such interaction in the “real world.” But I don’t discount the friendships I made. I have met a number of people “IRL” who I first knew online and I have to encounter any individuals who were totally different from the way they represented themselves. At worst, some of them were more boring than their online personas. Others, like Natasha, are even more interesting.
The result though is that even when people do feel an attachment to online friends, they seek to minimize it publicly for fear of being freakish because of this stubborn stigma. I don’t think people should have to deal with such feelings. On the one hand, I do think it’s true that for many, the Internet can actually make one less connected and more isolated from the outside world. I don’t advocate spending all your free time playing World of Warcraft and not stepping out into the sunshine. Just like anything else in life, moderation is called for. I think a balance between socializing in “real life” and online can be struck– and obviously you may have friends you interact with in both spheres. But I’m not going to feel like a freak if I seek social interaction here when I am short on it outside.
I will fiercely defend the friendships I have formed online, some of which have translated over to the outside world, others of which have not. There are people who I have never met face-to-face who have listened to me when I needed someone to and offered their support and loyalty. That is what I call friendship. It may not be the hanging out and drinking yourself silly kind that I was speaking of earlier, but those are the most important things true friends do for you. I also feel that I know someone better when I read how they express themselves in writing than I do when I just met them in a bar five minutes ago. But the greatest testimony of all I can offer in this regard is the simple but vitally important fact that I met my wonderful wife right here on Xanga and that led me on that 1450 mile drive exactly seven years ago.
Lately it doesn’t seem to be so easy to make new friends in any fashion, online or off. I don’t know if it’s more age or situation. But I would like to develop new friendships, of any sort, and I’ll take the risk of sounding pathetic in stating that. C’est la vie.
I suppose I will write more on the topic of organization next time. ‘Tis my greatest weakness and I sense I will be suffering for it in the near future. Until next Sunday, be well and keep writing.
Comments (10)
Interesting post, Jason. I made a statement on one of my posts a while back about not being a social beast (and I’m not) and you pointed out that I was social here, which is true. (The main difference, honestly, is that here I can choose when I want to be social, how I want to be social & what I choose to be social about. That doesn’t necessarily happen IRL!)
I have far more internet friends that IRL friends. From all over the world. I have met many of my online friends (some in New Mexico while on vacation last month, actually) and will probably never meet others. It matters not. I value them as much as my RL friends.
As for how you make friends when you’re married with kids? I have no idea. If I were closer, I’d come play video games with you.
It is hard to make friends IRL now… I think a lot of us can relate to that. Online friendships are not the same, but I do think they can be meaningful.
Some of my online friends actually know more about me than my real life friends. And speaking of “real life”, what I put down on my pages here is often more real than I feel comfortable being in person. So, for me, the line between online and real life is a pretty blurry one. When I was going through one of the most difficult periods of my life, it was an online friend who called to offer encouragement and sent packages to lift my spirits, whereas few of my “real life” friends even knew what was happening yet.
True, an online friend can’t come bum around on the couch and shoot the breeze. I could use a few friends like that too, so when you find the answer to how to make friends like that as an adult, let me know. They should have a match.com type site for friendships because we can’t be the only people who feel this way.
I took a look at the pictures. I’m glad you guys had a good visit. Maria might not be feeling good, but she looks great! Tell her so for me, will ya?
P.S. Doing a little light reading, are you?
Some people just don’t understand that blogs, unlike chat rooms, can provide a much more accurate picture of someone than you can get talking to someone drunk at a party, or even at work, where everyone puts on a mask, especially when they write about themselves, revealing things actually more personal than they would reveal to co-workers or families, and not tailored to be for your benefit but available for everyone to inspect. And sometimes we interact with people for years. It’s been for me almost 9 since I first joined xanga, and some of us originals, Jason, are still here. An intelligent person can get a reliable sense of someone with that kind of information. My wife doesn’t really get that. In the old days people would have pen-pals. They would encourage you to do this in primary school even. And those who kept it up might meet their pen pals years later as adults, and everyone would say that was wonderful. So why is it sordid if you corresponded online?
As for making real life friends, I didn’t have many for a long time after I moved to Atlanta (other than a poker game I was in consisting of guys that my wife worked with, who I saw only about once a month if that). When I moved into my current neighborhood, which is urban, and walkable, I happened into a group of families, our kids all go to school together, and we all live walking distance (or biking), and I have a much more social group of guy friends now than I may have ever had in my life.
So, I do think adults make friends through their kids, but it also depends on whether the neighborhood is conducive towards it. I do know someone who organizes dinner parties a lot, so I guess if you want to make the effort and spend the money, you can create a conducive atmosphere, but otherwise it’s hard if you’re not in the right kind of place for it.
I tell people “net” friends aren’t a replacement for “real” friends–it’s just another communication option. My main problem online these past months hasn’t been lack of interest–it’s just since last fall comcast has fallen back into old ways and loading pages on myspace or facebook too much of a chore waiting for something to happen. Sometimes I catch up when on someone’s else’s pc.
If you need friends–I can loan you Steve.
He got rid of his net, and currently has new phone plan he’s very unhappy with–so it’s been sort of quiet.
I tend to be inwardly skeptical/shy with new people–and I’m somewhat tentative with potential new bondings. Been burned too many times, but I’m trying not to get too skittish.
Didn’t know I was a gardener? I did work at a garden center for 4 years; was the store live nursery specialist for 15 months in charge of the living (frequently dying) stuff, and–was a certified horticulturalist (that title makes it sound like I knew more than I did) with the state of Indiana for 2 years. Well I had the study book about a week before the test and got an 87 and a half– 80 being needed. No one else had done that at the store for a while–and they had the study guides for months.
Summer has been cool here, though dry at the moment.
People with busy jobs and busy families usually don’t have time for much else–or at least my observation. Or mainly friends with people already known. Social interactions tending to be more family, relatives, maybe neighbors/work/church or the similar. And previously known friends, if possible.
I think next year instead of spending money on bulbs for the squirrels to feast on–I will get rechargeable clippers and keep the edges neater looking.
@Wilshak - ’net’ friends aren’t a replacement for ‘real’ friends– Interesting choice of words, but it still implies (in my perception) that online friendships are somehow less valuable. I suppose using the adjective “real” or the phrase “in real life” developed partially as antonymical to the term “virtual” for anything done electronically. I think of “online” and “offline” as more neutral terms, but I’m obsessed with semantics, of course. I’ll save the rest for a message.
Not my words so much as I was highlighting how most other people perceive it. I’ve had plenty of discussions with people wanting me to give up “internet friends” for “real people.” I tell them it just doesn’t work that way, and that I’m grateful for the option. Not like you can go to Sears and order a few friends be delivered to the house.
I live in a small marina and I have quite a few friends here I can just walk and go see. I am lucky in that respect. I have a few online friends, too. It is balace, like you said.
“Making” true friends is a difficult and rare process, so if we can supplement the real life friends with online ones when we need support, I don’t see what could be wrong with that. I imagine within the next decade the stigma attached with the online world will begin to fade… it’s still relatively new to the world to think of online relationships though a lot of us have been immersed in it for over a decade ourselves now… I practically grew up on the internet since the age of 9 (23 now…) but I am one of the first generations to have “grown up” with the internet. It’s just a matter of time before people stop thinking twice about that.