July 27, 2009
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Responsibility
Learning to be responsible is part of growing up, they say. Makes me wonder if I ever grew up.
This is a not a good thing. This is not some Peter Pan fantasy where I celebrate being footloose and fancy-free, avoiding any commitment or beholdenness to another human being. I would seriously question the veracity of anyone, man or woman, who stated that as a goal. We all want to have days like that, perhaps, but not lifestyles. Correct me if I’m wrong.
We all want to feel that we are important in some way, and we can’t be important if we are not important to– someone else. Human relationships demand balance, and when one does not hold up his end of the equation, the relationship ultimately fails.
Most of my relationships failed. Inevitably, I questioned whether I was the one not holding up my end. I’ve felt irresponsible in many ways. I start things I don’t finish. I lose friends by rift or drift. (I hope I don’t need to explain that, but if need be I will). At the age of 21, I walked out on my job of three years so I could spend time at my fiance’s college two hours away. At age 23, I walked away from my two best friends since high school because of one falling-out evening. In between those events, my loss of steady income eventually led to me losing my car. I also lost my financial aid from dropping too many classes. I did graduate, taking 5½ years, not four. Because of one essay I turned in one day late, which ultimately lowered my grade in that course from an A to a B, my overall GPA dropped from 3.50 to 3.49. One single paper– if I could have just got my ass in gear and finished one single paper on time (and I could have), I would have graduated cum laude.
At age 26, I dropped out of graduate school after three semesters, feeling disillusioned. Eight months later, I moved to Colorado. Fifteen months after that, I got married.
I married into four children, one with special needs. My responsibility meter spiked. Before my second wedding anniversary, I adopted my wife’s oldest daughter. I had already acted as Dad with the kids living with us at home, but now, I was officially a father. Uber-responsible.
Eight months after that, I was hired as a teacher. Now I became responsible not only for my children but for other people’s children as well.
Three years have passed since then. Yet I still feel, if not irresponsible, much less responsible than I should be. I don’t take care of things at home. I don’t take care of things at school. Not like I should.
All of this thought is prompted by many things, but most of all, worrisome times are ahead for our family. Frightening, perhaps. My wife will undergo her fourth major abdominal surgery of the last six years on Wednesday, and this will be the most serious of them all. The surgeon estimates 6-10 hours. That is a lot of time on the table, a lot of time under, and there will be a lot of careful maneuvering around vital organs and blood vessels. I’m sure you can imagine what comes next.
There is a chance, albeit quite a small chance, but more than a zero chance, that she will not leave the operating room alive.
It’s highly unlikely, no more than a one percent chance. But major surgery always carries this risk. My wife is a strong person, who has a very strong belief about the afterlife based on her own experiences (another story, another time). She is not afraid of death. She only fears the effect it would have on her children, who mean everything to her.
She is very responsible. She is everything in that regard that I wish I could be. She organizes, she sets priorities, she gets things done. She runs the household, she cleans it, she buys the groceries, she pays the bills (though I still make a bit more money). She observes things in the house that I am oblivious to. She keeps the kids in line, checking up on their rooms, while I trust them far too much to take care of their own spaces. And I feel that even when I try, I will always miss something, and never live up to her standard.
We have had the talk. Should the worst happen, she entrusts everything to me. She had to fill out this document called “Five Wishes” which essentially amounted to a living will. But she worries if I can handle it. So do I.
She says she has faith, that she believes in me. She says she wants me to see what she sees– in me. When will I learn to? When will I act on it?
I sit here in my office at home, surrounded by crates of material I brought home from school to organize. Mostly, it’s the same stuff I brought home to organize last summer, and did not. Now my time is running short again, especially considering the events of this week. On top of it all, I decided to start graduate school this summer. This course is “guided independent study”, meaning it’s basically me and the instructor. I complete the assignments, she reads and grades them. I have to set my own deadlines, and now I’m already behind and this weekend, the paper I was supposed to send by Friday only got sent tonight.
It seems to me that I have plenty of motivation, no shortage of reasons to change my ways, get my act in gear, whatever cliché you may apply. But yet I don’t feel it strongly enough to act on it. What is it going to take to make me take action? Hopefully not the worst. But maybe a scare is some kind of divinely-intervening-kick-in-the-butt.
One day soon, I will feel I can truly call myself responsible. First and foremost, I must be responsible for myself.
I’m looking forward to sharing good news here next Sunday.
Comments (5)
I’d say you’re very responsible all you’re trying to manage and accomplish–though maybe feeling stressed–especially if Maria is having such surgery. I’ll be praying for you all.
I saw the initial Life After The People Are Gone program. The speculations and various animations were interesting, though the parade of grinning biologists crowing how great if would be if everyone were dead–I found creepy. Maybe the series is different, though I assume just expanded version of more of the same.
I recently came down with the flu or something, and it helped me put perspective on what had to be done. I remember specifically thinking, “I can respond to that comment later.” The thing is, some things have to be done and some things don’t. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have lofty goals, and goals drive us to do better, even if we never reach them, but it takes time to the best teacher, father, husband, etc., and we can take a step in the right direction, improve a little at a time without having to be everything we want to be today. Remember also that necessity is the mother of invention. We can do what we need to do, when we need to, though sometimes not before then. In the meantime, we need to rejoice in what we are good at, what we do well, what we are or can be appreciated for, and remember that we should enjoy the moments. Easier said than done, perhaps, obviously for me, since I already admitted two posts ago that I don’t know how to work hard. I am, however, never short on theories and plans. And my plan for the moment is to take things one at a time, and to nuture patience, while I do one task, without rushing in my mind to the next, and what I don’t get to, I can’t get to. But I believe that if I manage not to feel overwhelmed (to the point of paralysis), then I actually will get quite a lot done.
Oh my love, I don’t mean to be harsh on you when you’ve taken on SO much over the past few years. I just worry, I’m a mom, that’s what we do you know.
You have the things that I value and hold most dearest in that house…my children. I will worry for them and about them for the rest of my life, no matter what happens.
I know that you can accomplish miraculous things…but you need to know that you can do this. I’ve seen you take on fatherhood, being a spouse, teaching, working and going to school…these are no small tasks. No one is perfect, nor do I expect you to be (as I’ve said many times), I just need you to do what needs to be done. You can do this, I know you can or I wouldn’t have so much faith in you.
I love you, so very much I love you. I can’t promise the outcome of what’s to come, but I can promise you that I will do my best to get through this, just as you’ve promised me that you will be by my side and hold my hand through it all.
Wow … so much to say that I don’t know where to begin. Let’s start with the simple and go from there. EVERY teacher I know carts work home in the summer with grand plans to get organized, and EVERY teacher I know brings back said work in the fall in exactly the same state it was in when summer began. I don’t think it can be true that we are all irresponsible. For years I felt guilty about never accomplishing what I set out to do in the summers, but I think I’ve finally decided that my job in the summer as far as work is concerned is to TAKE TIME OFF for godsake so I can come back refreshed and enthusiastic in September. We spend the whole darned year being responsible for more than our fair share, and we have earned every second of our vacations.
Next, from what I know of Maria, she wouldn’t choose to be with someone irresponsible because she already has enough on her plate without taking on a deadweight. She has a lot more experience in the day-to-day raising of a family
than you, so of course she will see things you don’t see or be able to perform tricks
that you haven’t yet mastered. And furthermore, I don’t think any woman would entrust her children to someone she didn’t trust with all her heart to be there for them. So it follows that she must not see you as irresponsible, doesn’t it? But, I guess it isn’t what she sees that’s in question; it’s what you see.
Well, from my perspective, to piggyback on what Maria wrote so eloquently, you’ve taken on a lot and faced many challenges together, and you’re both still standing … nobody’s backing down, and nobody’s retreating. Sticking around through the tough parts, that’s when true responsibility shows itself. You’ve done that, and I know you will continue to do that.
I will be keeping Maria and all of you in my thoughts and prayers this week. Here’s to a successful surgery, a speedy recovery, and finally, good health!
You married into four kids, man… if that’s not being responsible, I don’t know what is. I mean, granted there’s a partner involved, so you’re not flying solo with 4 kids… but still. That’s something many men (this one included) would’ve never done in a million years. I did agree to take my friend’s 6 kids should something happen to her & her husband… long shot though it may be, I worry about ending up with that responsibility a lot. It wouldn’t be as bad now, as 2 of the kids are grown and one is a HS senior and one a middle schooler… the other two are still little… but what the hell would I do with even 4 kids???
I’d adapt, I suppose. Muddle through.
I personally, rather enjoy not having to be responsible for anyone other than myself.